Apology to self…

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Dear Mpumi,

I am apologizing for hurting you for the past 20 years or so. I have put you through so much suffering to the point you have practically given up hope of ever knowing who you are or what you can accomplish. I have lead you down the road of anxiety and deep depression. Please forgive me. I have never known how to love you but always put others happiness before you. I will work hard to change this thinking know that you did not ask for the childhood you grew up in and in hindsight that childhood helped shape the woman you’ve become.

You are not a slave to others and I will no longer push you to be a slave. You don’t have to feel you have to be perfect in everything you try to do any more for fear of making me angry. I will no longer make you jump through hoops to impress others.

I will refuse to beat you up anymore for a mistake you made or not being able to make others happy. I will refuse to listen to that little voice inside our head that says you are stupid and worthless. I will never get mad at you again when you make a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes why should I expect you to never make one. I will never punish you again for trying your best and it was not up to the standards I expected out of you. I will affirm you with thoughts of love only. I will take care of you, I will love you and I will protect you.

I have lead you to believe in wrong thinking patterns and for this I am the most sorry for.I will work hard to change myself so I think only healthy good thoughts about you instead of hating you when things go wrong or are beyond our control. I will try to do more things with you and push my fears aside so you can have fun in the real world instead of living alone and feeling miserable.

I will work hard to overcome our fears together. I will struggle with the fears to help us both understand that we can accomplish anything if we work hard for it. I will no longer push you at work to make myself look good. I will no longer act like a martyr so I can believe my mistakes are right and you are not worth it and hurt you again and again in the process. I will not take to heart the negative things no matter how trivial people tell me and blame you for them. I will not blame you for the anger and frustration I cause you to blow up at people when they say or do things that make me angry.

Please forgive me. God please forgive me for not giving you all of my hurts, fears and frustrations to you instead of hurting myself. God help guide me and give me the strength to help myself become a whole person who loves themselves. But most important please give me a second chance to help undo all the wrongs I have done to myself. I just want to let me know that I will do everything possible to change and to rectify everything I have done to hurt me and let me know that I really and truly do love me.

Love,

Me

 

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